I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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