so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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