I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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