Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
