I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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