every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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