i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
