she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
