I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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