I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
