Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
