my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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