So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
