By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
