Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
