So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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