put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Welp...herpes.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
