I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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