I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
