vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
