My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
