oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
