His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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