someone threw a dead crab at me
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
