When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
