he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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