new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
