So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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