he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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