I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
