No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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