You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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