Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
