i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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