youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
