I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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