I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
