this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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