One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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