i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
