mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
