I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
