It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's rum buckets o'clock
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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