i need an iv and a liver transplant
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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