Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
