Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize