a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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