So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
