Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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