So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
