My sheets look like a crime scene.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
