she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
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