I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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