totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
