i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
