Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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